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Dear Mom and Dad,
It's been very difficult for me to write this letter. Although I want to be honest and open with you, I also don't want to upset you or worry you. I love you both very much, and that's why I've waited as long as I have to give you this news. I hope that no matter what your reaction is, you will take the time to read all of this letter, and maybe some of the book I've included, before you call me.
I'm transgendered/ transexual, and I'm going to begin living as a man over the next several months. I've never felt like I was a woman, and I expect this change in my life to make me very happy, despite the difficulties. I've been actively dealing with this for the last 3 years, and I've decided that I'm ready. I want you to understand I am not making a rash decision. I know that this is going to be a very significant change in my life.
This is not something that you caused. Please don't worry about what you did or didn't do when I was a child. Most people like me feel that they were born this way. I've known transgendered people from many different backgrounds.
I know what I'm doing. I expect this change to make me happy - I feel really good about my decision to transition. I'm not any more crazy than I have been all my life. I have had transgendered friends for a few years, so I've had the opportunity to see first hand what they go through. Being around them has helped me find the courage to transition, but no one has coerced me onto this path.
I am changing my name to Devon. I have always liked the name Deirdre, but I can't use it as a man.
I've always known I wasn't like other girls. I've had to separate the different ways that I'm not like them, though. Once I accounted for my intelligence, upbringing, and various personality traits, I realized that I'm *still* not like other women. I'm not one of them at all. I've always had more in common with men than with women, but that's only part of what made me realize what I am.
I've never been at home in my body. I used to think that all women felt this disconnected with their bodies, due to the changes of puberty, but I think they get over it. Even women who hate their bodies for being 'fat' or 'ugly' don't hate them for being female. They don't want to trade in for a male body, and I do. I have wanted to look like a man for a long time, and (when I thought about it) I wanted to be a boy when I was little.
I've been seeing therapists to discuss my gender identity since 1996, and I made the decision to transition (to living as a man) early this year. This summer, I entered the UM Comprehensive Gender Program in Ann Arbor, where there is a team of therapists and doctors who help transgendered people. They seem to be more experienced with transgendered issues than my therapists in Lansing. I'll continue to see my therapist monthly throughout the next several months.
I have a physician who is prescribing testosterone, which I am starting this month. The testosterone injections (every 2 weeks) will cause secondary sex characteristics such as a lower voice, facial and body hair, increased muscle mass, and possibly acne and male pattern baldness. The changes will be gradual over the next several months. I anticipate getting surgery (breast removal) in the spring of 1999. Since that's so far away, I haven't chosen a surgeon, yet. At this time, I am not planning on any other surgery.
I started a TG (transgender) peer support group at MSU, with the help of another TG person, at the end of 1995. I attended and facilitated that group until I graduated. For a while, I attended a similar group in Chicago that was exclusively for female to male people (FTM's). Now, I attend a support group based at UM where many of the people are participants in the UM Gender Program. I went to a FTM conference in Maryland in February, and I had a wonderful time. I plan to go next year, as well. It was really wonderful to see so many other people like me, when I have felt so alone much of this time.
All of my friends know, and they call me Devon. Some of them use male pronouns to refer to me. My roommate S. (we are just friends) knows, and she will be my direct supervisor at my new job. I have not told my current employer, but I will tell my new workplace after I start. I don't anticipate any problems with this - Ann Arbor has strong anti-discrimination laws regarding employment, and the people at the new job are (according to S.) open-minded.
I haven't told my sister, yet. I wanted to tell you first, so that she can call you if she wants to. I'll tell her in a week or two. I haven't told my grandparents. I want to talk with you about this and see what your recommendation is. There's no need to tell them before Xmas, because I won't look any different by then. By next Xmas, though, I will look much more masculine, and we will need to tell them. This isn't like my sexual orientation, which is invisible to the public.
Speaking of my orientation, it won't change. I will still be bisexual. I was never a lesbian, and this is not some messed-up way of dealing with homosexual tendencies in a more socially acceptable way. (I understand that a few people seek a sex change when really they are just gay.)
You will probably worry about my safety, and with good reason. There are violent acts committed against transpeople all the time. However, I expect to have less difficulty as a short man than I have as a masculine woman. Most FTM's pass as men successfully - even other FTM's don't always recognize them.
I will, of course, be very careful during the next year. I expect the in between stages to be more difficult, while my body is changing but not yet fully masculine. I am just as concerned with my safety as you are, if not more.
I know this is surprising and probably unwelcome news. I hope that you will take some time to absorb this information before you call or write to me. It took me a long time to deal with it, and I don't expect you to understand it all right away. I hope that you realize that I am not changing who I am - I'm only changing the way I look so that I can be happier. I will always be your daughter, and will always love you.
I hope that, in time, you will come to accept this change in my life. It is very important to me to live as a man, since that is how I feel. I hope you understand and that you can learn to call me Devon eventually. I hope that you will talk with other people about this, so you don't have to bear it alone. I have included a list of resources, including web sites, for more information. You can tell anyone you want - this is not a secret.
Love,
Deirdre/Devon
"Our Trans Children" by Mary Boenke/ PFLAG. (Included) This is a fine shorthand explanation of transexualism.
True Selves, by Mildred Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley. (Included) I think this book is okay. I've marked in the table of contents the chapters that I think are most relevant and helpful. I've also made comments in the margins of a few places.
Transgender Revolution, a documentary by A&E. This follow four individuals and talks about the transgender movement that is growing in our country.
Nancy said: The Texas Area Transsexual Support (TATS) Group is located in Houston and will probably put you in contact with FTM's and the families in Houston. There is at least one very supportive mother of an FTM in Houston who will probably be willing to talk with your parents. See if TATS can put you in touch with Jason. There is a gender clinic in Galveston.
Kitten said: Check out PFLAG's website and let me know if you still need more. I also have a website and I am very willing to talk to anyone who needs to hear from another parent. PFLAG's site is at: www.critpath.org/pflag-talk/ And my site is www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/4378
PFLAG Houston
(713) 867-9020
Houston Gay/Lesbian Switchboard
(713) 529-3211
FTM 101 -- The Invisible Transsexuals This paper provides an overview of FTM experience, focusing particularly on health issues, and includes basic information on: Hormones, Surgery, General Health Care, Mental Health, Sexuality/Sex/STDs www.avitale.com/FTM_101.html
HARRY BENJAMIN INTERNATIONAL GENDER DYSPHORIA ASSOCIATION'S STANDARDS OF CARE FOR GENDER IDENTITY DISORDERS www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0405.htm
TransFamily of Cleveland, support group for transgendered and transsexual people, their parents, partners, children, other family members, friends, and supportive others www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/4378/
Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays Houston Chapter (They have some of their meeting at Christ Church Cathedral!) www.pflaghtx.org/
PFLAG-Talk and TGS-PFLAG Internet mailing lists. www.critpath.org/pflag-talk/
Transsexualism/ Gender Transition FAQ for significant others, friends, family my.voyager.net/supenn/tsfaq.html
FAQ: Hormone Therapy for F2M Transsexuals www.savina.com/confluence/hormone/f2m/index.htm
Madeleine's page - good FAQ and list of online resources
For parents of lesbians-bi's-gays www.outproud.org/brochure_for_parents.html www.libertynet.org/pflag/brochure.html
Parents of FTM's www.critpath.org/pflag-talk/kitten.htm www.critpath.org/pflag-talk/maryboenke.htm
Personal FTM pages
Sammy's journal www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/4239/between.html
Rafe's bio www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/4640/bio.html
Copyright by the author.
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