Saturday, 14 Aug 1999

I would like to share the transition letter I used with my mom so that it may help others. I read all the letters on your site previous to writing mine, and they helped me immensely in how I phrased mine. I would also like you to know that my Mom's first reaction to this letter was to tell me I would always be her child, and that she would always love me. She also commented that my definition of the term transexual was helpful.

Mom,

I felt I needed to put this down in a letter to make sure I was able to relate everything I need to tell you in a coherent manner. This is definitely the hardest thing for me to do. I have spent my entire life learning how to hide my feelings, afraid to tell people the things I was really thinking for fear of ridicule. I know I really frustrated both you and Dad by clamming up about what was inside me, when all you really wanted to do was to know, understand, and help. I guess I was hurt by other people too many times whenever I was just me, so I learned that if I just didn't communicate or respond people would eventually tire of giving me a hard time and go away. I'm sorry I didn't give the two of you more of a chance years ago. These are just some of the things that have stopped me from previously talking and are only the results of the thing I really need to tell you.

A little over a year ago (not too surprisingly after my 30th birthday) I started getting depressed, because though I was doing okay professionally, I felt I wasn't getting anywhere in life in general. At the same time I started having thoughts again that I had managed to suppress since high school. So, I went to see a therapist, because I found myself too scared to try to talk to anyone else. I have now been seeing Lin since March of 1998. She has helped me a lot over the last year. The most important thing she has helped me to come to grips with is the reality that I am a transexual. I had already believed it before I talked to her after having read the stories of countless transexuals on the Web, but I needed to be sure I was not deluding myself or suffering from some sort of psychological problems.

In case you are not aware of the term transexual here is a definition: transsexual: a person whose gender identity, their sense of what their public gender should be, does not agree with what those around them say it must be because of their biological sex.

The most important thing I have to say at this point is it is not your fault. There have been many attempts to understand why some people are transexual, but the one thing all the scientifically legitimate research (i.e., researchers who don't have some moral axe to grind) seems to agree on is that there is definitely some sort of genetic/chemical cause and it is not due to upbringing. If you have a hard time accepting that it isn't your fault, Lin (my therapist) would be happy to have a session with you so that you can understand it all. I also have some books on the subject which you may find illuminating.

The ultimate outcome of all this is that at some time in the future I intend to start living as a woman as a precursor to getting SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery). I started taking hormones 3 months ago, and as a result have already begun to develop breasts. As you have probably figured out by now, the real reason I started growing my hair was that as a woman I desired long hair.

This is also the reason why I have not had a girlfriend since I was 19. I kind of gave up on relationships as I seemed unable to form a significant close relationship with anyone. This inability to form close relationships of course came from my suppression of the real me. It's hard to get close to someone and get them to trust you, when you are always hiding something.

At this point I have to say I'm scared. I worry that I will lose friends and family over this, as well as possibly risking my career. The one thing I have become sure of though is that if I don't change, I will just become depressed and unhappy, so I don't really see any other way.

I told 'sister' almost a year ago. I was too scared to tell you or Dad at the time though I thought long and hard about it. 'Sister's husband' already knows as I felt it would be unfair to ask 'sister' to keep secrets from her husband. They have both been very supportive so far which has been a real help. I have not told any other family members yet and I would prefer to be the one that tells everyone, even if it is ultimately an e-mail to everyone, as I think it is better if people hear it directly from me instead of through the grapevine.

The only other people that know are all transexuals themselves, which is why I was able to talk about it with them. This includes my new roommate. This is a large part of the reason why I chose to have a roommate when I decided I needed to move because of my rent going up. I felt that living with 'roommate', who had already been through it all (she is post-op, meaning she has already had the SRS surgery) would help me when things got tough. (I have to ask you to not tell anyone that 'roomate' is a transexual, as most people she deals with on a day to day basis don't know, and I don't want to compromise her privacy. 'Roommate' said it was okay to tell you, but I don't want it to become public knowledge)

I have tentatively adopted the feminine name of Kimberly, but am having second thoughts about it since Kim 'last name' has had her last name legally changed to 'last name', and everyone might find it awkward to have two Kim 'last name's' in the family. So, if you can remember what you would have named me if I was born female, I might consider using it instead.

I love you and don't want to hurt you, though I know that may be unavoidable. I hope you can eventually understand and support me, as I really could use that right now.

  Love,
  Kim

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