This letter is the one I sent to my friends and acquaintances... most of whom have known me for more than a year (most have known me for many years, some are good/close friends). The style is VERY casual, but it's what worked for me. This letter has been revised a couple of times to add new details... the first date was sometime around the winter solstice 1994. I now have more difficult letters to write (at some point) to my employers and to my parents/family.

May 10, 1995

Well, it's time to tell y'all about something I've been thinking about and dealing with for a long time now. Something that isn't too socially acceptable to talk about freely, but something that I need to let my friends know about. You may or may not be surprised; but I hope that our friendship will not be adversely affected. I've thought long and hard about who to tell, when, and how. I'm not certain that this is the best way, or even the most opportune time, but I've come to a point in my life when I need to share the secret.

Many of you know of the nature of my relationship with Sharon/Bear, know of my sexual preferences, know of the gender play that I engage in, know of my views on various 'fringe' subjects. Many of you don't know, though, the exact nature of what I believe about a very sensitive subject that is almost always taken for granted in this culture/society. What I'm talking about is gender/gender expression and sexual identity. I have a unique take on gender. Basically I think gender is fluid, a continuum, much like sexuality. I guess gender, to me, is like fingerprints--everyone has 'em, but each is unique to each individual. [But I have to remember too, that no matter what I believe in theory, gender is also highly socially influenced and has become a social construct in many many ways.]

OK, so what? Right?

I have always felt different-- uncomfortable, inappropriate, and perpetually out-of-place and 'outside'. I used to think it was because I was Queer, or because I have a few more brain cells than some, or because my parents were/are nuts, or because I was sexually assaulted, the list could go on... I always had an explanation for why I felt different. I've known for a long time, though, what it was that triggered my feelings of discomfort and 'differentness' (not just the stuff listed above which are fairly common, at lease in my circle of friends). This 'outsideness' is all about gender. I've never really identified with the classic concept of being a 'man trapped in a woman's body' (Next on Donahue!); but it's awfully damn close.

Yep. I'm transgendered (a transsexual by yet another name, but with a slight twist). I do more than just 'play' with gender. I've identified as 'male', as 'masculine', for as long as I can remember. Since I don't believe in a bipolar gender system, and certainly don't want to be boxed into the 'man' or 'woman' category... I identify as someplace in between, but definitely more 'male' than 'female'.

So, I've come to a point in my life, finally, after hashing this out, writing profusely about it, doing the therapy 'thang', and spending lots of time and energy trying to figure out what all this means to me, that I needed to make some decisions. I've had to try to decide if i want to do anything about being 'gender dysphoric', or if I was going to try to keep on keepin' on. Some people have asked me "Can't you just pretend it doesn't exist?" Other people have questioned why I can't just keep 'playing' with gender, without actually making any physical changes. Well, I've been there, done that. And I can't keep doing that for much longer.

So, where I am at today is a continued state of exploration, discovery, understanding, and integration. This will continue to evolve as I work to find a more acceptable self image which is in harmony with how I feel when I'm not looking in the mirror. I also want to see in the mirror who I really am, not who I wished was there. I'm not sure where I'll be ending up in the long run--but I hope that I am happier and healthier. For me, this is not a process about a 'sex change', but rather a process about finding a sense of peace and happiness with who I am (the person I have always been).

What does *this* mean?

I've been part of the transgender program at Pathways for about a year and a half (officially); although, I've been seeing the therapist who heads the program off and on for over five years. After a long internal struggle, I decided that I wanted to start taking hormones. I saw the Pathway's endocrinologist (in Madison, WI) on February 3, 1995 to be evaluated for hormones. I was medically approved to begin testosterone, so I learned how to do my own injections on February 9, 1995 and have been on hormones ever since.

I've really been enjoying the changes from the testosterone and am exceedingly happy about how things are going.

At this time, I am not planning on having any reconstructive surgery. If I continue on hormones, it will be necessary to have my ovaries removed because the testosterone tends to cause some atrophy and there can be some undesirable problems if they are not removed. I may, at some point want to restructure my chest... but not right now.

Now for the slightly trickier part: I am not planning on fully transitioning to living my life as a man (at least not at this time). This could get long and complicated, so I'll keep it simple for now, and if you are interested, I'd be happy to discuss the details of this decision with you further. Basically, though, I am planning on retaining my legal identity as doreen/female. I have not informed my family or employers yet, and may not chose to do so for quite some time. So, within those circles, I am (and will be) perceived as a butch female--even though I may start to appear a bit more outwardly masculine. The rest of my life, I'm trying to live as gender neutral with STRONG desires to be perceived and treated as male as possible. It is my hope that my friends--YOU!--can start to view me in more masculine and male ways. This may sound like my life may be even more split and dysphoric, but what is important to me right now is becoming more male for me, making the outside match the inside... And by writing this note to you, I want to share this part of me with you, and hope that you can accept me for who I am.

So, what am I looking for? From you? Mainly I hope that we can still be friends, still write, communicate, talk, share, love, play and enjoy 'being' with each other. The name I've chose (and actually partly just because it 'stuck') is David Michael Munson. I'd appreciate it if you would try to start addressing me with male pronouns and start calling me Michael. If you are uncomfortable with this, it's OK. Your friendship is what's most important to me, and sometimes these kind of changes take a bit of time to grok. There are people very close in my life who are having a hard time making some of the verbal changes... I'm patient!!

Hope this hasn't shocked you too much, and I hope our friendship can continue to grow.

Michael
(aka doreen munson)

David Michael Munson
michael at tgwarrior.com or tgwarrior at forge-forward.org

Copyright by the author.

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