This letter was written to parents who work and live in another part of the world.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I am writing you to inform you of an ongoing situation in my life that has culminated in my seeking therapy.

First, let me assure you that Chris and I are in good health, and we are not in any kind of danger! While this is a serious situation for me (and Chris, too), my therapy is focused on decisions I have made about my life, and getting help on how to reach new goals in my life.

There has been a distance between us that I have been very careful in keeping, not because of anything either of you had done, but because all this time I felt it was important that regardless of my personal problems, I would live a life fully engaged in my interests, respectful of others and otherwise keeping out of trouble. Unfortunately, the course of my life in recent years has taken me farther away from those I love, and it is for the better of all of us that I explain what is happening in my life.

I've kept a secret in my life from both of you that I've kept since I was very, very young: keeping it has been, sine qua non, the utmost priority when forming the basis of all personal and social relationships in my life. At times, I even kept it from myself...

I've always known that I was different from other children. For many years as a child, I thought that everybody was `different' in some way, and it wasn't until a few years later that I understood that no one else had the feelings that I was experiencing. By then, as you will understand, I had learned to keep it to myself: I have always felt that I was a girl and not a boy. At times I had difficulty understanding these feelings and finding some way to come to grips with this, but I have now come to understand that the person I am inside is a woman and not a man-- and I am preparing myself for transitioning from living as a male to living as a female.

Before I go further... I want you both to know that I am in good hands, and that Chris and I love each other very much and are working this out. I am only at the beginning of a long journey, and we haven't figured-out all that lies ahead; Chris has known about my gender dysphoria in its various manifestations for a long time now, and while it has been extremely difficult for her in the last year, we both consider our relationship to be a strong one! Her well-being has been one of my greatest concerns in all of this.

And also... This is extremely difficult for me to tell you this, partly because I know that this will come as a shock, but also because this is a very private part of myself-- and I've spent decades hiding it.

So what has been going on? I've spent a great deal of energy on outside appearances, being something that I'm not. At various times in my life (sometimes worse that others), I've waged a war inside of myself to try to repress my feelings, or to deny my transsexualism and make it something else. My turmoil has been so painful and severe at times that I could not function at my usual high level, and the energy it has taken to maintain a happy inner-life has come at great cost: not only have I had to continue to keep living a 'normal' life when inside I felt an aching despair, but it has kept me from being my true person that I am. I've felt that living this way has been a lie, and for my own well-being I have to change.

I can imagine that you must be wondering how this can be... I have some ideas, but they have nothing to do with how you raised me; in fact, I feel I am one of the luckiest kids in the world to have the both of you as parents. I will never be able to thank you enough for the love and kindness you have shown me.

The last year-and-a-half has been extraordinarily difficult for us and we need your love and support. It would also be a help if you would read the two copies of the book that I sent, which gives some good background on this issue.

Well, now you know. I just want both of you to know what is going on. As I sit here writing this, I am almost overtaken with the enormity of what I am telling you! We've never talked about these things before, and I feel a great deal of anxiety thinking that you won't love me anymore, and wouldn't want to see me again. I'm in a dilemma in that I feel that for me to be truly happy I have to change not only my life, but yours (and others) too. Despite my fears, I have faith that as a family we can get through this.

L___, S____ and B____ will hear about this in the same fashion in a few days. A____ will find out when Chris sees her in May. We can figure out about P____, Aunt S____ and Uncle F____ and the rest of the family later. When that time comes it is important to me that I tell our family in my own way first.

I wish that we could be closer to you as you read this. Despite the difficulties that I/we face, I know that I can look forward to a fuller, happier and truer life.

I will love you always,
Madeleine

NB: Chris is the spouse of Madeleine. The book that is referred to is True Selves, by Brown and Rounsley.

Copyright by the author.

You are here: www.lisalees.com/trans/out

Back / Lisa Lees / Contact Lisa