BGLAD, Queers & Associates
University of Chicago, 20 May 1997

This is the outline I prepared in advance. Because of the room and the number of participants, I changed this quite a bit on the fly for the workshop.

TRANSGENDER SEXUALITY:
Making Love With A Third-Party Body

Abstract

  TG people talk about an incongruity between their sexual
     self-image and their public body.
  Obviously a TG thing, also affects many other people.
  We'll explore and discuss just what sexuality is from a
     personal, non-political point of view.


Introduction

  My name is Lisa Lees.
  Most labels don't fit me very well, and vice versa.
  I'm kind of transsexual, and if you think of me as a
     woman, then I'm kind of a lesbian.
  All I'm really certain about is being feminine and queer.

  I am not an expert and I am not preaching a point of view;
     I hope to learn as much by doing this as you all.
  This is a discussion. We are not trying to agree or to
     reach consensus. Please say what you feel.

  We're going to talk about some intimate things, and I
     want you all to participate in the discussion (that's
     the 'workshop' part of this).
  Please respect each other, and keep the conversation on
     a purely personal level. No politics. Just a bunch of
     individual humans talking about what feels good.

  Sexuality. It's everywhere, in the cultural stereotype:
  Masculine men who have male genitals have sex with
     feminine women who have female genitals.
  Gender is central to attraction;
     and genitals are central to sex.

  Queers know sexuality isn't as simple as: manly man does
     it to womanly woman.
  Even the culture acknowledges this, because phrases
     such as 'masculine man' are not oxymorons, rather
     they are prescriptive of a wished-for cultural norm.
  A 'norm' honored more in the breach, it often seems.

  By the way, what does it mean to be 'queer'?
  Same-sex attraction? What does that mean?
  I named three multi-valued components to sexuality:
     gender, social role, and genitals. Those fit together
     in more ways than just: straight, lesbian, and gay.

  Which brings us to the question, what is sexuality?
  Why ask?
  Concepts that 'everyone takes for granted', but no one
     seems to understand and no one wants to talk about, 
     often hold us prisoner.

  So . . . what is sex, and sexuality?
  Something you do with another person's genitals?
  Is that a useful focus for a non-reproductive
     relationship?
  Where does sensuality and pleasure fit in?

  We grow up, if we are lucky, having sensual relationships
     with our family, our friends, and the world.
  With puberty our relationships often change. Why?
  Why is adult sensuality, 'sex', so often non-consensual,
     violent, abusive, and done without communication?

  Sensual and sexual pleasure is a taboo topic.
  Children are not supposed to have such feelings.
  Adults are not supposed to have such feelings in the
     same room with children.
  Parents, particularly mothers in our culture, know that
     young children are in fact intensely sensual.

  But we never talk about it.
  We never talk with our children about being sensual,
     and about becoming sexual adults.
  We leave our children to learn by fumbling in the dark,
     reading books, watching movies, and being raped,
     however gently.

  Perhaps sensuality is scary because it shifts the focus
     of sex from the genitals?
  Might this turn too many relationships into sexual
     relationships?
  Or make it more difficult to define the boundaries of a
     relationship?

  So now as adults, let us discuss sensuality and sexuality
     as it pertains to each of us as individuals.


Specific Questions

  [Break up into small groups. Each group has a scribe.
   When we re-form, the scribe reports for the group.]

  Let's talk about some specific situations.
  Some of these questions may upset some of you.
  When this happens, please share your feelings.

  REMEMBER: I want personal answers, not political ones.
  The politics of sex is a different workshop. :-)

  1 What does it mean to have sex with another person;
    what has to happen?

  2 Does your definition of having sex change depending
    on the self-identity of your partner?

  3 What parts of your body do you consider to be sexual?
    What makes a touch sexual or sensual?

  4 How do you communicate that you like what your partner
    is doing? Do you expect your partner to communicate in
    the same manner?

  5 If you really like doing something, and your partner
    asks you not to, what happens? How do you feel? Why?

  6 If your partner asks you to do something that turns
    you off, what happens?


Scenarios (back as one large group)

  I hope we are all loose enough now about this topic to
  speak up in a group. Let's give it a try.

  1 You have a great time with someone, go somewhere
    alone, and clearly sex is on both your minds. But as
    things get more physical, your partner gets more
    uncomfortable. What do you do? Stop? Talk?

  2 In spite of some discomfort on your partner's part,
    you proceed to the undressing stage . . . and what
    you find is not what you expect. How do you react?
    Should your partner have said something sooner? How?

  3 No problems, the sex was great! But during that
    afterglow, your partner looks you in the eye and
    says, "Did you know I'm transsexual?" What's your
    response? Why should you feel any different?

  4 How much of your reaction in these situations involves
    something along the lines of, "But what will everyone
    else think of me now?"


Summary And Wrap-up

  We're just about out of time. Would anyone like to make
  comments about how useful they found this workshop, and/or
  suggestions for improvements? I have a handout...


Handout (books, organizations, web addresses)

Copyright © 1997 Lisa Lees / Contact Lisa